Thursday, June 26, 2014

Afterwards

Some days are just really really tough. Regardless of what the weather is like or what you do or don't need to get done, some days it just feels like it'd be better to go back to bed. It seems to be all you can do to stay out and do virtually nothing productive.

You sit looking through countless pictures people have made about depression to remind you that you aren't alone. You text friends who understand to some degree, or even very very well from experience. Regardless of all of that, you feel, at best, like the sky is grey, and at worst, filled with the darkest thunderstorm.

At times during the day, you see the light of the sun through the cloud, but not a single ray breaks through. Then, knowing that you were so close to finally seeing the sun, you withdraw, as much as you can, into the darkest abyss. All the while, you feel like nobody wants to hear about the darkness all around you. You put on a mask of day, but night is all you can see.

You get into the scriptures, and find light filling your soul, but as soon as you finish, the darkest night falls over you again. You go to the Temple, and the world seems brighter, but only until the next attack. The feelings go on for a few days, and you're always worried that it will happen again.

Eventually, your mask becomes heavier and heavier, and it becomes more and more difficult to keep it on. You worry that people will hate you, or judge you, or mock you, so you remove it every time you can be alone. Then, when it's time time to walk out the door again, you put on that mask, and rush to get to a private place when it feels too heavy.

Darkness seems to sweep over you. You seem to get worse and worse every day, but you don't want anyone to know out of pure fear. Then, one day, you crack. With the crack, all that you used to keep hidden in your heart and mind starts to leak out into your actions. Some are able to patch up those cracks, like I did. But those patches don't hold forever, and end up weakening the structure, until finally, everything bursts out.

The doubts and fears of all your years seem to flood over you. It is a weird sensation. You don't know what is even going on! Your memories do not seem so clear of the situation, and you can only remember splatters of what happened. Then it dawns on you what happened, and you break down into tears, with fear of what is going to happen next.

For at least the next week, your mind keeps returning to that moment when you were going to die. It doesn't matter what the situation is: peeling potatoes makes you realize you would have never had potatoes again had you died; going through the grass makes you realize you would be under a patch; and seeing a knife reminds you of what happened.

Slowly, you adjust back to a point where you feel like you can function in society, but you have to put on your heavy mask still, and you even make it thicker, so that people around you won't know about your suicide attempt.

As time moves forward, other people seem to forget about it, but you just can't. Life carries on, and you don't want to share with anyone, because they have enough problems of their own, or they wouldn't understand, just like everyone else you've tried.

People help offer solutions: some are okay and get you through a particular moment; others don't work at all. You're grateful for the suggestions, but sometimes, they just make you feel even worse when it doesn't work like they said it would.

I don't know exactly what your experience was like, but this was mine. I don't know where it will take me, but I know that the Lord will protect me until I get to where it's right.